PASADENA - They're small, very fast and absolutely amazing! At least that's the word from the few people that have seen them, outside of the researchers at the facility where they have been bred. Scientists at Pasadena's Jet Propulsion Lab (JPL) at the California Institute of Technology (CIT), in cooperation with the Canine Genetics Unit (CGU) of the Veterinary Genetics Lab (VGL) at the University of California Davis (UCD) combined their efforts to develop an amazing new breed of dog. The first-ever Hover Pup.
Researchers at JPL had been working on methods of lightening materials to enable a greater safety margin during landings of space probes on other planets. The thinking was that if the materials that made up the space probes were lighter, the chance of damage during landing would be less. This is especially important during landings of probes on larger planets that have levels of gravity significantly greater than that on earth.
At the same time, the folks at the VGL, using a newly developed advanced recombinant DNA mutation technique, called Nanogenic Amniocentopic Deoxynucleic Acanisthomesis (NADA), were able to use nanotechnology to engineer changes to the recombinant gene sequences of DNA samples that had been collected from dogs using cheek swabs. The breakthrough nanotechnology operation had an unexpected side effect.
In a chance meeting at a San Diego area Flyball competition, Dr. Una Beleeve and Dr. Ersatz Floatermann met while Una was competing with her dachshund, Ari, and Ersatz was watching, accompanied by his beagle, Bob. In discussing their work, they realized that the research could be combined. It would be possible to actually build mechanical additions directly into the DNA sequences of certain dogs. This allowed the JPL research team to add their materials lightening technology to the CGU's NADA technique. Working together under a grant from the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA), they were able to achieve demonstrable lift effects in small breeds. Shorter legs were a prerequisite to enable the hover effect to be easily observed. Over the next six years, actual hovering was readily achieved in Jack Russel Terriers (JRT) and Dachshunds. This result was somewhat discounted in JRTs due to historical data showing that JRTs have always appeared to hover due to excessive vibration when they are overly excited. It was decided from the outset that Border Collies and Australian Shepards would not be used in the testing program since they apparently can already fly, at least for short durations.
In early 2005, Bob, the beagle, passed away in a tragic accident while hovering near a precipice at Overlook Park next to the Pacific Coast Highway. At that time, dog hovering only worked within inches of the ground. Straying too close to the cliff's edge, Bob was unable to stay aloft. His downward momentum was slowed, but was unable to save him. Ersatz pledged that such a tragedy would never happen again and worked harder than ever to assure a positive result. A breakthrough was
achieved in mid-2006, however, with Dr. Floatermann's new dog, a rare Galleggiante named Rocket. The Galleggiante is an Italian breed, very similar to a standard Beagle. Rocket, who received numerous NADA nanotechnology procedures from the age of 10-weeks, became a star, achieving extraordinary altitudes during hover. As you can see in the photo above, a research assistant is amazed as Rocket zooms about the laboratory at JPL.
With Rocket's exceptional display, it was thought best to keep the dogs demonstrating advanced hovering abilities indoors, or at least
within the confines of the net covered outdoor training facility, as seen in the photo above. This policy was reinforced when a highly skilled JRT nearly escaped. Only the quick response by an extremely tall, high-jumping research assistant prevented the JRTs loss, as pictured at left. Of course, all of the research was being conducted in extreme secrecy under the terms of the funding agreement with DARPA. No one outside of the VGL and JPL community was aware of the positive results of the research until an unexpected security breach occurred.
The lab's cat, Cloudy, had been sneaking into the NADA storage cupboard for some time, or so it was learned later, and had been eating NADA nanites, which, over time, afecter her DNA. Cloudy slipped out of the lab and, being untrained in hovering, lost control of her buoyancy.
In an ironic twist, the Pasadena Humane Society was holding their annual Doglegs, Birdies and Eagles Golf and Tennis Tournament near the JPL labs. The cat climbed the tennis backstop fence and drifted above center court during a semi-final match. One of the players was so distracted by the cat floating above her that she let an easy overhead return sail by, as seen in the photo at right. Of course, with Cloudy's escape and subsequent high-visibility appearance at the tennis tournament, the cat was out of the bag, literally.
An internal review is underway by the Inspector General's Office of DARPA's funding of the NADA research by VGL/JPL into canine hover, and the lack of testing on felines that led to the unfortunate lapse in security upon the escape of Cloudy. Security has been tightened at the labs, not only to keep the animals in, but to keep reporters out. As more information arises, we will try to bring it to you.
Additional hover pup photos:
Dr. Una Beleeve and Dr. Ersatz Floatermann continue to be suppostitious in regard to this article. The JPL, the CGU, the VGL, the UCD, DARPA, and the Pasadena Humane Society were not contacted in any way to see if they wanted to participate in or comment on the writing of this obviously Barmecidal story. Bob the beagle is meretricious and is therefore not exanimate. Happy April Fools Day from everyone at Pet Rescue Miami!